1) Buy Jeep Scrambler and Cummins mill.

While I want to love it there are two reason's on ebay not to, namely this restored cherry red '81 w/304 CID V8 asking $16.5k OBO and this restored '84 straight six w/period scrambler livery for $17.9k OBO I am betting at least one of them will take $16k and provide a much better investment and vehicle, ergo today's…

But how am I supposed to get food to satisfy the munchies?

Do these sound like the words of a man who had all he could eat? I rest my case.

If you think a 20-year-old star athlete has been "thoroughly exposed to the world around him," I've got some prime oceanfront real estate in Nebraska to sell you.

"How could you let that guy in the building?" - Assistant Manager, Red Lobster

Fat People are harder to kidnap. There's one advantage.

My favorite moment from the race? The pastor thanking Jesus for the Daytona 500..

My face, at the idea of a Phantom without a driver:

Leslie, what are you doing here?!?

Now I am about to listen to About the Money on repeat until I leave the office in 90 minutes. I ain't finna do shit.

Might not fit your parameters (which I'm not sure I understand), but this is dude's best verse ever:

I dunno. I do my fair share of fucking, but I'm not yet tired of it to the point that I'd just blithely dismiss it out of hand simply because I've done it before.

One of the best opening scenes ever. We used those dayglow eye drops all the time in college just to be like Tommy and Sincere

Tommy Bunz is DMX from Belly

I once had a short, non-verbal conversation with another car using my car.

I was driving back from a thing at night, in light drizzle, and I ended up behind a brand new Dodge Charger (hence the example) with its lights off, but it's BRIGHT DRL's on; tail lights are dark making the car very hard to see. I flash my…

It makes no sense to buy one, which is exactly why you should buy one.

My first time in a strip club, in the backroom with a girl, I was told there was a two drink minimum. I proceeded to order myself two drinks. I'm pretty sure that wasn't what I was supposed to do.

What about milk in your alcohol?

Easy, tell her you want to fuck her best friend.