Shallots are the sexiest member of the allium family (in the sense that, like, homemade shallots, garlic, broccoli and lemon over a bed of angel hair is more likely to set the mood than, say, some penne and jarred alfredo), but I’d like to meet the person, male or female, who can down an entire dish of creamy pasta…

You would be surprised how sheltered some man-babies are out there. Like, my old roommate (whose life legit revolved around video games, UFC, and football) used to be so scornful of my cooking. I love cooking and I’m an excellent cook, and spending a day off in the kitchen is highly relaxing for me. But like, he’d be…

I don’t eat meat, but this is definitely the meat I miss the most. That looks fucking delicious.

Seriously. If you wanna eat before, it needs to be light stuff like just some appetizers or a salad. Pasta is definitely a post-sex meal.

Pasta is in the post-sex food category, for sure.

Also, pasta is like... not the dish to get someone laid. It’s the dish for late-night cuddling on the couch while you watch TV.

This recipe is just a normal pasta recipe

why were you hard in the first place?

i wasn’t talking to you

A pretty good way to get a dude to fuck u is to be like “Yo dude, you wanna fuck or what?”

Uh except Pierson is saying ridiculous things herself. I think you are giving her way too much credit, she really is that stupid.

I can't tell you how many times that thought crossed my mind tonight.

I can’t believe 2016 is a real year that we’re all living through.

Are we really all on board with being horrible assholes and just hating Amy Schumer “because”??????

Ah yes, coffee and vegan donuts. For today’s on-the-go, socially conscious diarrhea enthusiast.

Yeah. But it does a real number on your self esteem. I weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy, but my tummy is bigger and pouchier post c-section, and nothing short of constant compliments and demonstrations of sexual desire on the part of the husband could possibly help me feel ok about it. Those things not forthcoming,…

I thought it sounded like a tour group a retirement community would go on. Like, “Next weekend events at Laguna Woods will be bingo, golf and Journey River Green.”

Snigger all you want but he does have a point. Every time I get into shape (I am so not right now) my sex life improves exponentially. Mainly because I feel like I look good naked.

Well, that’s certainly a conflict of interest. I’m glad the FBI is investigating it.

That Amanda Bynes tweet just made my day!!! I have irrational amounts of love for her and I'm so glad she's doing great!!!!