...how will the government explain registrations like MARIJUANA FOR SALE, CAPITALISM SUCKS DONKEY BALLS, or KIRK COUSINS STARTING NFL QUARTERBACK?

I was pushing for Washington Klitoris, but now that dream is dashed.

Damn it. The Washington Milfsdoporn was my suggestion for the new team name.

I like how they are no longer even pretending that “redskins” isn’t offensive and are now going down the “everyone else does it!” route. Good luck with that!

How did Washington’s lawyers gain access to my browser history?

It’s clear that the only winner in this whole situation is Vernon Davis.

“What do the 2-6 49ers have to lose?”

Stevie Wonder could have made that kill, for chrissakes

Yeah, he shouldn’t have grabbed/pushed him like that. But Jesus Christ, strength-and-c0nditioning guy, know your place. You’re the coaching equivalent of a long-snapper when it comes to game day. Chill.

You can also buy alcohol. Let the kid enjoy something.

I made it through my childhood

Another great thing about adulthood? You can buy your own pucks. It’s great, you should try it.

You as an adult can go to the store and buy yourself a puck or baseball for $10. A child has no understanding of that. Getting a puck or baseball from a player/coach is an amazing feeling when you are 10.

Yep, sorry friend. You’re also not allowed to go play in the McDonald’s PlayPlace even if your mother always refused to take you when you were little.

AH DON’T WANT YOUR LAHF!

Oh I think there was a purpose: to (try) to play to the xenophobes who make up the GOP primary voting population.

That’s basically modern day republicanism in a nutshell though. Their mantra is basically: Government is bad and harmful and only damages things it touches. Elect us and we’ll prove it to you.

Be sure to practice your denials for when you’re confronted with that exact quote. “I never said that. Your audio and video recordings are biased.”

I, for one, am glad that this primary season has taught me that no matter what ridiculously provably-false string of nonsense comes out of my mouth, e.g. “I truly feel that the greatest threat to our country is the return of the space aliens who emerged from my penis in 1965 to build the Washington Monument to…

I don’t know, Chris. I have both DraftKings AND ISIS at the top of my list of “Organizations I’d Like to See Rocketed into the Sun”