Actually, we’re all better than you. Get your shot.

The nice people at the pharmacy won’t call you an asshole. Go get your shot.

If you must lie, get better at it.

57,000 people dead in 2014 and you don’t consider that a terminal illness? How many have to die before you take a disease seriously?

And the effectiveness of not getting a shot would be zero. If you claim to be a math geek, do the math.

You’re probably falling (in an uncontrolled non-dive) the equivalent of five to ten stories, hitting water, and if the impact doesn’t do you damage, there’s a good chance that the air will be knocked out of your lungs, which will help you drown when you take that first big breath of seawater.

So when this comes to trial, will they be wearing swimsuits? Evening wear? And will there be a talent section for the lawyers?

He’ll have to. After that at-bat, there’s a good chance that most of the pitches he’ll see in the playoffs will be in that same general area.

The problem is, when a police department is going out of its way to create a crack team of headbreakers who will go out and beat suspects (or non-suspects) to death at the least whim of their commanding officer, you’re not going to get the best quality people applying for the job. If you are determined to run your…

Scientists have yet to figure out a way wherein poor people exercise and rich people reap the benefit.

But when that second chin appears ominously on the horizon, you’ve got to do something!

“Comedy legend?”

I believe we’re going to see a lot more of this, other nations making the rational decision to simply wait out the remainder of Trump’s presidency until such time as this country once more has a rational and competent leader.

Hillary doesn’t ever buy battery packs? Tell me it isn’t so!

Hillary doesn’t ever buy battery packs? Tell me it isn’t so!

So, bread and cheese go back much further in time than we thought. How old was Lord Sandwich, anyhow?

This is two consecutive sure-fire Hall of Fame catchers (Montero being the other) the Yankees have produced who can’t...well, catch. They must have hired some of their minor league coaches off my own beloved Mets.

That’ll take some damn strong mustard.

Once her character is really most sincerely dead, the White House will drop its flags to half-staff longer than they did for Senator McCain.

In Duncan’s defense, his wife is getting along in years. She’s probably — god help us — nearly 40! No real man, especially an American Hero™, as Duncan is fond (obsessive?) of pointing out, should be saddled with a woman only ten, fifteen years his junior.

But your dog ate that “long list” of crimes committed by Hillary Clinton, didn’t he? And you printed it out in comic sans so nicely, too...