Deuteronomy 8: 2-3

I’m pretty sure this would’ve made me laugh out loud if I wasn’t currently strung out on speed and, at best, only nominally capable of feeling and behaving as a normal human would.

I’d never heard of him either, before seeing the multiple articles on GMG (to be fair, I spend too much time here). After this most recent article I finally decided to listen to one of his songs. Maybe I’m just too old to connect with the music of today’s youth, but good goddamn this shit is absolutely fucking…

Holy shit! Of all the performances I’ve heard from the tribute, this is easily my favorite. And from Miley Cyrus... Color me surprised.

In high school, I had a friend (James) who had an enormous dick. This friend, however, also had sickle cell, and his monster hog did him no favors. He told me that every time he got an erection his dick hurt, describing his hard-on as feeling like his dick was on fire. I always felt bad for the guy, but I’d be lying…

And, it’s only one sentence!

Yeah. Fuck the Rockets and fuck James Harden, doubly so. 

I feel you. Confined spaces are my happy place. If my girlfriend would allow it, I’d sleep in a coffin every night.

Drinking beer (or any carbonated beverage, really) gives me intense, painful hiccups, without fail. One night, while out drinking, I got a particularly severe case that would not go away. In an act of desperation, I crammed my finger down my throat and started having myself. After a few gags, I let out a tremendous…

When I was 23, I had a friend, Kevin (27, at the time), who was always talking about wanting a Harley. However, he somehow ended up buying some special edition BWW cruiser-type bike (I really, REALLY liked that bike, even though I can’t remember what it was called). After a few days of owning the BMW, Kevin confided…

Absolutely. And I don’t even think it’s particularly close. However, I’ve never met in person a single soul who agrees with this assessment. They're all wrong, though.

I’ve never understood the people who can do a little and then stop, especially if there’s still some left. Once I start, I won’t stop until it’s all gone. Doesn’t matter is it’s a gram or if it’s a quarter, I won’t sleep until the entire supply is exhausted. And this is why I stopped doing coke (also, random…

Will do. Me, and everyone I know in this godforsaken state, will go and do our duty and try to affect positive change, but, sadly, so much of this state is a xenophobic, racist backwater that it won’t much matter. Charleston and Richland and Orangeburg will, as always, show up solidly blue on the map. The rest of the…

It was a piece of firewood. A log. And dude passes out and his wife jerks him off while he's passed out and he ejaculates blood. 

Fret not. He’ll take a week-long ”vacation” in Miami early next year, and his 34-year-old legs will be 24-year-old legs again. 

No shit. The chocolate chips are the worst part of chocolate chip cookies. 

Is it really? My well-to-do, banker brother is a member there. I was always under the impression that it's just a club for rich folks who want to maintain a healthy distance from the poors. 

On the day I graduated from Parris Island, my family took me to a terrible, buffet-style, chain restaurant (alright, it was Golden Corral). I’ve always loved fried chicken, and, being that boot camp had deprived me of fried chicken for 3 months, I devoured as much as I could. My dad & my brother also had a couple…

Ubi also used an UNKLE song in the trailer for “Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood" that I think worked really well. 

I knew a kid in school named Casey Johnson, and, over the course of 8 years, I never saw him wear a non-Big Johnson shirt. I also witnessed him and a kid named Jeff beat a hog to death with aluminum baseball bats. Casey’s dad looked like an even lower-rent version of Hulk Hogan, and he constantly bragged about ripping…