As a Gentile, I still prefer Challahdays to Holidays.

I cannot stop laughing at "Gathered Truths". Screw shopping. I'm just going to make homemade truths for everyone. Truth #1: You've just wasted a precious few seconds of your slow march to death reading this truth.

I have no opinion on Oprah, but I'm genuinely confused by this list. Is it sort of like her book club, in a "if it's on this list, it's a MUST-HAVE!" sense?

Not if I win the O Magazine sweepstakes thing and get it all for free. Just putting it out into the universe, The Secret (TM) Style.

Is it wrong that despite all this, I still view making it on the cover of O Magazine as the ultimate personal achievement?

What I know for sure... is that you suckers will buy up everything I stamp my name on. Thanks advertisers!

Let's just get a visual on how pretentious this is, shall we?

One of her "favorite things" is her own book. Never change, Oprah. Never change.

I only have one favorite thing and it's getting $13,000 checks in the mail. Boom! You just saved $54.

Unless there's a loaf of bread available with 'Happy Challah-days" written on it, this entire list can GTFO.

I am kicking myself so hard for not coming up with that idea first. FACT: A triangle has three sides. FACT: The average banana has fewer calories than a Big Mac. I TELL IT LIKE IT IS. Give me $85.

It doesn't have to be a "never ending battle" if his CAPTIVE audiences stop being docile. Maybe if more people talked back to him, he'd eventually get worn out and STFU. How many people is this one asshole annoying/offending? About time HE had to listen to some unwelcome input.

Why are we acting like this is only about her touching her 1 year old sister's vagina when she was 7 and not also about emotionally coercing her sister into sleeping in her bed and then masturbating while she sleeps? And about paying her sister in candy to give her long kisses on the lips? And about paying her sister…

I'm pretty sure she's being scolded for the right reasons: i.e. being an oversharing, solipsistic, privileged twit who thinks every damn thought that crosses her brain is a Precious Pearl That Needs to Be Expressed to the World.

I had a hard time choosing images for the top because like

I still want this shirt. GIVE ME THIS SHIRT (sized for my 30-something-had-some-kids body).

Considering that Siri, when I asked to go to Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, tried to send me to Atlanta City Detention Center, I am skeptical.

Joke's gonna be on those retailers when they realize they can't fire robots.

I applaud the citizens of Oregon, Washington, Montana and Vermont for making this choice legal. As a resident of Massachusetts, I supported and campaigned for our attempt to legalize euthanasia in 2012. We are such a liberal state I thought it would pass. Alas, 11th hour commercials with misinformation and scare…

There was speculation that she said she wouldn't do it Saturday to allow her and her family peace, free of media and protesters. I am hoping that's just the case and that her death was surrounded by those she loved.