"Hold on to your potatoes!…because we ain't got no damn food in the future."

So instead of Passion of the Christ it will be The Passion of Christ.
Gotcha.

When Onan comes around,
You must spill it!

To paraphrase the great Dennis Duffy: "I knew that chick was over 18. She talked about her Asian boyfriend and that crap doesn't start until college."

Someone has to take over for Michael Moore once President Trump gives him the Ol' Yeller treatment.

"Fuck Nick Cannon."

"Why do you keep saying 'hella,' fatass?"
"Because I'm hella cool."
"That's not cool!"
"You guys are just hella jealous."

*Eat Up Martha has been forced to delete this comment and apologize to Kristen Stewart*

Fish dicks.

Most of the local Goodwill employees around here practice the "Sherry - the Trinidadian nurse from 30 Rock" face.

French homosexual Formula 1 racer wasn't a funny role to you? But he was married to Andy Richter!

M.E.T.H.O.D. Man, that guy's an asshole.

Hang out with friends! Access the PepsiLoyalty app!
We're relevant!

Everyone, go watch the 1998 Eddie Murphy-starring film Holy Man, which I just incorrectly remembered as being named Miracle Man.

Regarding your last point:
As a former small-town newspaper editor (and current self-medicating, unemployed schlub!), that's how you refer to non-advertisers in headlines.

Yvan eht nioj!

Except these clowns are the "Jerry Lewis leading kids into the gas chambers" type of clowns…

I've been awake for, like, ten minutes and Noel Murray is already making me weep big, burly man tears.

I've never seen the two of them in the same room…

As long as they don't make him watch Daddy's Boy again, Osborne will stay.