I tell people all the time that my mom didn’t need to be outright “abusive” to abuse me. Abuse comes in many forms.

The hat in my picture actually says “Wizzard” on it if you could blow up the image big enough.

I’m sure that employee had a good laugh every damn day as they watched her stuff her annoying mouth with cow meat and cheese. Priceless.

Man, I hate it when it sands in the winter, and I have to wait for the roads to be cleared before I can drive. I hate shovelling sand in the driveway, too. THough I love making sandmen, and having sandball fights...

I will star any and all Terry Pratchett-related comments.

She proceeds to explain to him that only a hamburger contains meat, and that a cheeseburger is vegetarian. She says she knows this because she has been to McDonald’s in London literally *hundreds* of times in the last few years, and that a cheeseburger is always vegetarian when she orders one!

PINKHAM’S LAW!!! DING DING DING! We have a winner!

In fact, you are not an asshole. Asshole customer who asks for free food that is not free and then insists on it is an asshole.

After adjusting the temperature of their water twice

(Editor’s Note: You should hear what customers will do to the word “rotisserie.” I heard “rotissary,” “rosiary,” “rotisuwary,” and “rosary.” The last was doubly funny since I was working in a kosher deli)

The Reuben one reminded me of a story Terry Pratchett told. He said that one jet-lagged evening he accidently asked for Three Mile Island dressing for his salad. The waitress didn’t say a word, just brought him Thousand Island dressing and a bottle of hot sauce.

I have it on very good authority from Strawberry Shortcake that Blueberry Muffin’s vagina* does, in fact, taste like blueberry.

I will never get over the fact that when I worked at Borders cafe and they crosstrained us in the bookstore, the same customers who treated me like shit every single day in the cafe, did not recognize me at all in the bookstore and treated me like I was some kind of scholar, trying to strike up conversations with me…

I think all pets do that. We got a cat and my husband was all "I hate cats. This is your pet and you are NOT it's "Mommy", stop SAYING that!". Day 2: "I'm your Daddy and I love you!"

I am going to start calling my husband my “caliente love bundle.”

Bookstore people are crazy. I worked at a Half Price Books in the Midwest and due to the insane number of serialized romance novels we received, we started packing them into stacks of 7 and selling them together for 2 bucks. We called them Love Bundles, and there was a group of about 25 mid-fifties women who purchased…

When I managed a Borders we were also responsible for this small calendar kiosk on the other side of the shopping center. I was there covering someone’s lunch break and this crazed woman came over demanding why we had no bichon frise calendars. The dog calendar people were always the weirdest.

loading it up like the fattest, whitest, christian woman at a starbucks greedily eyeing the caramel bottles, it’s pathetic and shameful.

Yeah, but man-on-burrito lovemaking is one thing. What happens when people try to make gay burrito marriage into something real?