Maybe Brown can give him a footjob

Tonight, there are no bad takes.

And the only thing that can prevent another Patriots Super Bowl victory? This man:

I legit don’t know what the hell just happened. I mean how? Although imagining Rothenberger’s reaction to this does bring me a surprising amount of warmth.

I hope the next rub and tug Handjob Bobby gets is by a old lady with sandpaper hands.

I can’t believe a sports league exists where there are basically 20+ incompetently-run franchises and 1 that feasts on them all.

BRB, going through every article written about AB over the last two months and faving all the Steelers fans’ smug comments.

Do the Patriots play the Raiders this season? So Burfict can mutter "and I am Iron Man" before concussing Brown with an egregious helmet-to-helmet hit?

This is fake, right? I am reading The Onion now, aren’t I?

*Bwamp bwam bwah bwah Doo da Doo da Doo Doo da Doo...*

This was so, so inevitable. AB is one smart mofo.

“Maybe this was his plan all along?”

Congratulations! You can read.

Speaking of predictable, how about serving as a case example of the exact type of joyless, smug, obnoxious prick he’s lampooning in the first place?

I’m picturing you just refreshing Deadspin every ten minutes waiting for this entry to come up, probably while furiously (angrily?) masturbating nonstop.

I love how all Drew did was describe you self-absorbed assholes, and somehow you managed to twist that into “Drew is predictable.”

I’m bookmarking this comment section in case I ever feel guilty for being hard on Patriots fans. Holy shit. The amount of quadrupling down on assholery would be impressive if it wasn’t so insufferable.  

I dunno man, some parts of the world suck much worse than others.  It kinda seems like you’re saying all places are equally good!