I’m for showing a video of this on the floor of the House...let them know what’s coming with the midterms. 

I would buy David Tracy an awful lot of Jeeps.

Here’s a lifehack. To avoid substitution charges, bring your own scallops hidden in your purse. 

Onion ninjas.

Apparently, it’s a really bad day for pollen here in Middle Tennessee. Yep, the pollen must be really, really bad. There’s no other explanation for my eyes watering like this.

It’s his own fault. If he lived in the US, he wouldn’t have had health insurance so he couldn’t have had surgery. Problem solved.

To be fair, expensive fake implants have often been a ticket to success in Los Angeles.

And a Hardy (good) boy solves another one!

Did the whistle tips go “wooo wooooo!”?

I venture to guess that number is low.....

My problem with chocolate chip cookies is that they make me sick... whenever I eat more than twelve ounces of them.

Didn’t know there were any K-marts left.

I’m far more stunned by the apparent news that there’s still an open K-mart somewhere.

The worst flame war I ever saw, in my 30 years of being online, was between women who “hover” and women who sit. The hoverers think the sitters are gross for sitting on a dirty toilet seat, and the sitters are like “it wouldn’t BE gross if y’all weren’t peeing all over it!”

Big old sign that says “If you try to fuck on this changing table, chances are you’ll be sorry it’s broken in about 9 months!” 

You haven’t lived until you’ve heard Spanish-language announcers losing their goddamn minds over this:

I was gonna say Gene Simmons...but you beat me to it.

Are we sure that’s not just Steven Tyler?

*Iron Chef Chairman mode*

If memory serves me correctly, Venmo has an option where you can announce your payments on social media. Definitely do that, and make sure you mention the reason.

“Poppy just sent Thrifty Misty $3.87 for her share of a round of pumpkin spice lattes from Know-Nothing Nancy’s Cavorty Forty…

Beer is definitely an acquired taste. A taste which I have acquired. I have the love handles to prove it.