I wish this were the case instead :-/.

Ugh, I can’t even handle your cute Deadspin one-liner. I’m too sad.

My childhood is ruined. Fuck.

I know most laugh it off but Rocky IV taught us to be suspicious of the training regiments of Russians with beautiful, glistening thighs

Alternatively, this was taken in Florida. That is his real deadbeat dad. He disregards his children who live in Ohio all, but one week a year. He figured that if the kid went home with bruises, his ex wife would file charges and he already has warrants.

Fan fiction on a Deadspin post. Love it.

That guy was actually his step dad. The kid hadn’t really taken a liking to his new step dad and usually only talked to him in passive aggressive remarks. Step dad thought that a trip to the ball game would change all of that. Kids love sports! But when he got there the kid wasn’t impressed and after every play would…

“...his genitals came flying out of his shorts while trying to beat five seconds.”

“Very surprised Chris Jones came out this year.”

That's at least a 7.2. Not sure what the 40 time was.

People will complain that it takes out the “toughness” or some such crap.

Under the shirt, over the bra. 1st and a half base

This is underrated. Plus one for flashbacks to awkward petting (yesterday).

So now that you have to make contact, does over-the-shirt still count as second base? Asking for a friend.

I thought the home plate umpire is a pussy and the second base umpire is a tit?

The slide that hurt Tejada was not legal in any way and you know it. The problem was the umpire was a pussy in not calling interference

Whomever lost that couch ottoman up and at least offer to cover the damages.

I would argue that when a Couch causes significant damage, the culpability lies with Browns’ management.

Whatever man. Having a bunch or really insanely nice and cool cars doesn’t mean you have a small dick. I’m sick of this shit. I drive a really awful car and my dick is small and bad.

Oh man. I bet he has the biggest penis.