Omgomgomg!

I can’t even fathom someone going into nursing for pay only. It’s such a tough and demanding job, not even counting how gross it can be.

Oh yes. I have a friend who debated becoming a nurse for pay reasons only. I was like, um that’s a very tough job to handle. She was like, well I’ve worked with kids so I’ve handled tons of blood and poop. I was like, oh honey, those are nothing on the list of bad smells. Wait for necrotic tissue is wait they all say.

Oh yeah, man. My mom is an OR nurse and is also kind of oblivious so she used to come home from work with the GROSSEST stories over dinner. My other favorite thing was that we lived in a small town so a lot of people would come to my mom for minor emergencies or general health help, so I’d be hanging out while my mom…

I’ve got a very vivid imagination, so I was thinking all kinds of horrible things. Maybe I have two vaginas, what if I’m actually a hermaphrodite, what if something’s growing in there, is vagina dentata real, can I not have kids, what if my colon is attached to my vagina and I start pooping out the wrong hole?

Yep! Super quick and easy, no big deal. But I was mortified and imagining all kinds of awful mutations thanks to the doctor’s bedside manner.

My office in a veterinary teaching hospital used to be next to the derm department. Those poor critters were so miserable but my god, the smell.

Did you need a hymenotomy?

Yeah, no kidding, eh? My cooter’s a fighter...no, it’s a road....no, it’s a tunnel!!

What a bitch! To just leave you like that with no explanation. You must have been terrified. Some people (who are doctors) are such unfeeling jerks.

I’m getting lost in all those metaphors, but it all makes sense. Wish I could star you more than once for the opening line!

Well...no one’s asked for their money back.

That is definitely the sort of thing you don’t ever want to hear doctors saying in your presence. (And was it sewn up properly?)

I have zombie ligament in my knee. No brains craving, so far.

I have dead people bone in my jaw! For my dental implant. Solidarity.

You can get dead people’s nipples too.

Oh my.

My fancy ob/gyn was away while I was giving birth and, though her locum looked on until I finished giving birth (with much tearing), he hightailed it out of the birthing room as soon as he could.

Probably my oral surgeon explaining where and how they would get the material to back-fill my jaw once they took out my fucked-up tooth and all the material around it.

Thankfully I haven’t had too many gruesome injuries and no significant health issues, but both of my parents are doctors (ENT and derm) so our house always had fun stories going around. My mom has the worst (best?) stories though. Skin is weird, y’all. She’s always said that it’s the smell that will do you in, not…