FYI, if the lady offered hard-candy and to help you track down whoever made you cry, it’s probably my mom. Take only the candy. She’s not afraid of jailtime.

Proving once and for all, DJT can go in to debt on ANYTHING.

A star and a drink, good sir. (And Happy Belated 99th (!) to Ms. Davis.)

She’s going for the triple-word score with NEARLY LOBOTOMIZED.

Hot take. How’s that “Good Gal with a Gun”-Method working?

Solid work. My pro tip?: If your tears always sting, consider reducing your salt intake. I went low-sodium years back and noticed my tears and sweat no longer stung my eyes. Hey, the world’s already acting hella salty — don’t let it pickle your eyes, too.

I caught Sara’s audio over my bluetooth shower speaker this morning. When her voice broke, it sounded so eerily like my own phenomenal-in-every-way sister...and I lost it. Blubbering against the backwall lost it.

The ONLY acceptable Karen. Starred.

BREAKING NEWS: Staunch Capitalists Angry At Free Market, Free Market Baffled

Paul has trouble with big words: It’s pronounced in-COM-pe-tent, not pruh-FESH-uh-nul.

Well, wherever he ends up, a welcome message from The Capitol:

At a minimum, it’ll make her think twice.

“We’re gonna open up those libel laws, folks.”

Anyone who reads this and doesn’t call their mother today, push daisies.

Nothing to see here. Just cockroaches doing their typical “Light’s on! Scurry!” thing. They’ll all huddle back up down at Mar-a-Lago. Hosting Get Out garden-parties. Whispering “Get ‘em, Grandma” at Candace Owens when waitstaff tries to leave early. Turning the lights off when Tiffany, Eric, or Rudy show up with…

I will never let my mother see this King/Ponsetto interview.

My wife has worked almost-exclusively for German manufacturing firms, so there’s an unwritten rule that every German visitor brings Tchibo and every US host buys steaks. It’s a win/win, but with our bean/beef exchange halted by COVID, Tchibo’s launch in Chicagoland was a welcome surprise.

Sarcasm-based ads usually work on middle-schoolers. Seems like the brofessor’s target demo is, uh, unable to give consent. #AuthenticallyCreepyAF

<removes cucumber slices from December 2019 from eyes>

This is the right pro-tip.