You can’t actually see the hand shake. And Mayfield does seem to wiggle his hands a bit at the end. It could easily be a hand slap rather than an actual shake.

Alex Smith

low flying plane?

It’s faster to backspace and re-type than it is to take my hand off the keyboard, grab the mouse, find the fucking cursor, click on the error, and fix it.

My grandmother & her sisters were named Virginia, Tennessee and Georgia. They were born in a log cabin in the Ozarks. No, this is not a Jeff Foxworthy joke.

I was gonna say Bartolo Colon, but honestly? I couldn’t outrun Bartolo Colon. I mean, I definitely probably-could- but I wouldn’t want the guy to feel bad. He’s given me so much joy! I’d throw the race. I hope you’re happy, Bartolo.

$10 for a jar of marinara? Must be nice being part of the 1%

People who love cooking are really bad at imagining there are people who don’t love cooking.

Does CC Sabathia still count? If there’s anyone, it’s a 300lbs pitcher whose about to retire because of an arthritic knee.

Beer: Zero

Speed definitely, cocaine probably, but those are rich people drugs and so they don’t count as drugs.

this isn’t about you

Sudafed is his drug of choice, allegedly.

I go back and forth on that. I can see him drinking pills right from the bottle, but I can also see him being a Tom-Cruise-style scientologist type who thinks that any medicine is weakness. Especially the ones which have vaguely foreign-sounding names.

I actually believe Trump when he says he’s never had a drink or taken drugs. His brother died from alcoholism, after all.

Good job preemptively naming Bo Jackson, and can we also stipulate Barry Sanders?

What professional athlete could you outrun?

So we agree that Trump has likely never smoked weed, but he’s for sure taken enough perscription pills to kill most of the race horses on Earth, right? I mean, I see him doing that and not counting it as “drugs” because it was from a doctor, or some sort of “medical person” who told him it would increase his manliness…

It’s a reach even for the Deadspin commentariat, but I’ll allow it. 

...take 2 Dolphin Games and call me in the morning.