It rules me nothing. It's boring.

Polar bears are notoriously constipated.

That is not a thing that happened.

I wish I could share your optimism.

I never said he was a genius. I said he knows what he's doing. I know what I'm doing when I take a dump. Doesn't make me a genius.

Yeah, but he has weird hair.

Operative word is "human."

Indeed. Massive douche though he may be, dude knows exactly what he's doing. He's a professional hate magnet. He's deliberately devoted to being what Justin Bieber only achieved accidentally. I'd bet good money that he called that news crew himself.

Nice of them to give such an opportunity to a person without eyes.

*belches bassline*

When you say it was showtime at the Apollo, do you mean she rubbed your stump?

Maybe she's just into Jewish guys.

Do you suppose KidzBop has ever covered She Bop by Cyndi Lauper?

Yeah: A past participle where a past tense should be.

Stunned? Sounds more like taser eye surgery.

All the kids in Britain are SOBs.

Uh… Have I missed some scandalous celebrity gossip, or is this some sort of Edward/Jacob slashfic?

Just as well, since there's another British celebrity named Johnny Vegas.

I think you may have mistaken a mule fetus for bread.

CREPE JOKES AREN'T FUNNY