You forgot my favorite, and certainly the funniest one, Ashley Todd, a McCain volunteer, who was held down by a 6'4" black Obama supporter, who carved a “B” into her cheek. Except of course, that the B was backwards. As if whoever did it was looking in, say, a mirror.

I was almost sexually attracted to a statue of FDR four times, but the last time didn’t last very long.

Obviously, Sutton Goodloe is a piece of shit. But I just checked out the last edition of this paper from 2018. It’s ten pages long, released every two weeks, and there’s almost a full page devoted to the opening of a Dollar General. 

How do you think freedom of speech works, dipshit?

I hate when that happens!

What’s the point of doing it like this if you’re not going to once have the other lawyer say “Objection!” and you say “I’ll rephrase, your honor.”?

I struggle to understand the supposed satire of this article, just from a writer’s perspective. How, in any way does it make sense to present a paragraph of satire completely unrelated to anything in the piece, and then to do your article as planned? 

They’re just going to keep pulling her hair and skin back tighter and tighter until she looks like a Junji Ito panel.

I’m seriously going to need an example of which white candidates are not having their records scrutinized right now. The reason Kamala Harris seems to be the main focus right now is because she seems to be the most popular candidate.

I once heard Pike’s Place described as “roasted under the space shuttle”, and to date it’s the best description I’ve ever heard of the Kingsford briquettes that make up their coffee. Great place for a fancy caffeinated milkshake, terrible place for coffee.

Did you notice that it uses the Louie font?

I literally just saw X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes this week, where he has a small role heckling Ray Milland and getting heckled by Don Rickles. RIP.

She did more than lose. She destroyed any chance McCain had of winning. The single best argument that McCain could offer as to why Obama would not be a good candidate was his lack of experience. And then he picked Palin as his running mate, and that argument had to go out the window.

Why are we supposed “spare you the bullshit” about her being a prosecutor when that’s what she was? She balked to legal decrees to help decrease prison populations. Her positions have routinely targeted the very people she now claims kinship with. But I’m the asshole because these positions give me pause?

I love Thom Yorke, but Johann Johannson is the only correct answer for Best Score. RIP.

83% of Bernie supporters went on to vote for Clinton in 2016

Compare that to the 75% of Clinton supporters who went on to vote for Obama in 2008. And unlike Hillary, Bernie never raised the specter of his primary opponent being assassinated before the election.

Do you want more Max Landis? Because this is how you get more Max Landis.

Something else like what? Play on my phone? I’d hate to destroy the future because I use modern technology.

I tend to add it to my grounds, because I don’t take very good care of my grounds, though I couldn’t tell you the difference is significant. I once asked my barista to salt my grounds, she looked at me like I was crazy, and when I got my cup it tasted like sea water, so never again in public.

I like how this response is literally followed by drinking tea.