For what it’s worth son*, all that sex your mother and I had with randos was absolutely worth your dry spell. The painting is nice though.

Right? It really looks impossible without the wheels somehow rotating to run perpendicular to the car. I’m impressed. 

If I had to come up with a name for a fictional villain in a Murder She Wrote episode in which Ms. Fletcher investigates the death of a crossword puzzle guru, I’d have totally chosen Everdeen Mason.

Willie Nelson as the bizarro Ted Nugent is perfect. 

Scott Adams acting like he’s a hypnotist is one of those things I’d never have predicted, yet seems obvious in hindsight. 

I’m pretty sure William G is a flawed AI program. He was almost using English there but not quite getting it right. He offers the perfect example of what dumb people who think they’re smart sound like. 

Is Joaquin Phoenix gearing up for a method approach to a Taika Waititi biopic in that picture?

The commercial includes the line “you even had them in the shower,” which now provides circumstantial evidence that Ashton was falsely accusing his wife. How could she have had them in the shower if she doesn’t shower, Mr. Kutcher?! The defense rests. 

See, I just assumed that every interview Dax Shepard conducts is done in an oversized shower while the participants groom one another. 

Showering washes away thetans. Or adds thetans. I can’t remember if they’re good or bad. I don’t think these two are scientologists but this reeks of scientology-like nonsense. And it reeks of unwashed pretty people.

I bet he could write perfect dialogue for Zuckerberg. 

The water is REALLY clear and just the perfect temperature.

TIL that I can keep up with Thor in at least one physical challenge. But extra crispy, please. 

I like to engage in conversations using my patented “phrase shit as obtusely as possible to leave people guessing” style. Also, I like using too many commas.

That was my not-at-all-clear way of saying the cartoon was kind of disappointing too, as a comics fan, though it did still remain my favorite toy commercial.

I’m prepared to be as disappointed with this iteration of my favorite 80s toy cartoon as I have been with every version not penned by Hama himself (excluding the Resolute cartoon, which was awesome).

And somewhere in the distance, the wind carries the lonesome, echoing sound of Kirk Cameron farting. 

We’ve not seen a good case of canceraids around here in ages. 

I’m going to give you a star and some AVC love because you’re the first person to make a “Frank Darabont’s original draft” comment. 

And if the old pub ads are anything near remotely accurate, he’d have healed his wounds, carried the ATV back home, and met some attractive women along the way!