“If you wanted chicken you should have gone somewhere good, you piece of shit” is how I end all of my emails.

Hiking Everest should not, in fact, be a thing.

Truman, you can Carter off to jail, but Grant me this: If you just Fillmore prison cells, it won’t solve anything. It would be-Hoover to reform her ways, so we should Taylor the punishment to the crime.

I got my XM3s from Secondipity on eBay (refurbished by Sony’s official outlet) for $200. If I didn’t know they were refurbs, I wouldn’t be able to tell. Perfect, pristine, clean, works flawlessly. So dang happy with the deal.

Can the batter do this if there is a man on first? Because at some point there will be a man on first that doesn’t run when this happens, and there will be a rundown between home and first. Can the runner make it back to home? And continue his at-bat?

Stop, I can only get so erect. 

Your assignment now is to write a Penthouse forum letter using those word but NO sex words. Can you do it? I sure can’t.

That was su-su sussudio good.  have a star.

Someone give this man a damn Pulitzer

A speedo is very different than this.

Do you know this? Yes.

Are you making a slippery slope fallacy to cover up your racist/sexist comment? Big yes. 

Dear Penthouse,

As Leah Chase, Anthony Bourdain, and a host of others have shown us... Food is often what unites us, what can bring us to open and frank discussions. I’ve seen some despicable people and politicians come across my tables. I’ve also seen them come across and share a meal with people I greatly respect who were opposites…

Non-profit probably. Have been in the same position. However, what I used to do is call the restaurant and ask them to add the gratuity to the INITIAL CHARGE in whatever way they could (like charge it like it was an in house party of over six) so we could both tip and pass an audit. With all these delivery dudes on…

Fuck, yeah. They’d find me on the flight deck, sitting in the captain’s seat making prop plane noises and surrounded by empty mini bottles. My first words to the rescuers [maintenance folks] would either be “I’ll never get over Macho Grande.” or “Surely, you can’t be serious.”

If I had to take a wild guess, probably lots of zeroes... and ones... 1001001101001101001100010100.

This is...    way too much information.

Man, John Wick 7 is awful.

You weren’t wearing pants and the neighbor said “your dog is loose”?

What was I doing in your office bathroom mirror?

Still missing the point. Alcohol is a drug. Jay-z is selling it. Jay-z is black. Black man selling drugs...

So it’s not, “This one did”. It’s “this one still is”.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.