Stop, I can only get so erect. 

Your assignment now is to write a Penthouse forum letter using those word but NO sex words. Can you do it? I sure can’t.

That was su-su sussudio good.  have a star.

Someone give this man a damn Pulitzer

A speedo is very different than this.

Do you know this? Yes.

Are you making a slippery slope fallacy to cover up your racist/sexist comment? Big yes. 

Dear Penthouse,

As Leah Chase, Anthony Bourdain, and a host of others have shown us... Food is often what unites us, what can bring us to open and frank discussions. I’ve seen some despicable people and politicians come across my tables. I’ve also seen them come across and share a meal with people I greatly respect who were opposites…

Non-profit probably. Have been in the same position. However, what I used to do is call the restaurant and ask them to add the gratuity to the INITIAL CHARGE in whatever way they could (like charge it like it was an in house party of over six) so we could both tip and pass an audit. With all these delivery dudes on…

Fuck, yeah. They’d find me on the flight deck, sitting in the captain’s seat making prop plane noises and surrounded by empty mini bottles. My first words to the rescuers [maintenance folks] would either be “I’ll never get over Macho Grande.” or “Surely, you can’t be serious.”

If I had to take a wild guess, probably lots of zeroes... and ones... 1001001101001101001100010100.

This is...    way too much information.

Man, John Wick 7 is awful.

You weren’t wearing pants and the neighbor said “your dog is loose”?

What was I doing in your office bathroom mirror?

Still missing the point. Alcohol is a drug. Jay-z is selling it. Jay-z is black. Black man selling drugs...

So it’s not, “This one did”. It’s “this one still is”.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 

Filed to Whimsy? Anyway, the kid in about forty years:

Get well Drew.

Can’t tell you how many text messages I exchanged with friends seriously worrying about the health of a person I have never met and will likely never meet.

Jesus, man. This is harrowing. Like everyone else in the comments, I’m glad things didn’t go differently.