“Hi! It looks like you’re trying to run an A-2 Gap Slant? Would you like help running an A-2 Gap Slant?”

Sorry, Patrick, the correct title was “What is Alex Trebek Hilariously Shits On Jeopardy! Contestant And Her Whole Crew For No Reason”.

This confirms the prophecy that was foretold right now by me

Packs another bowl. Eagerly awaits for Chapter 2.

All in favor of making Boar Monday a thing say “Aye.”

To me, it's painfully obvious that the picture is covering the brushing we saw in pictures and in court. Fuck apologists—they're pieces of shit.

The number of Johnny Depp apologists out there is so depressing. I know he’s a lot of women’s Manic Pixie Dream Man Forever, but Jesus. I don’t care if it was alcohol/drug-related and he’s a real nice guy when sober, I don’t care if she “provoked” him, I don’t care if Amber Heard is or isn’t a gold digger, domestic…

“We got no money! Our tigers’ eyes are getting cancer!”

Fuck man. Poor guy never had a chance. The tumor has the eye of the tiger.

Early detection is key. Les Miles’ clock management strikes again.

No Sanders supporter owes Clinton their vote. The onus is on her to earn those votes, and if she can’t, then she’s flawed, not the voters.

“Boy, he sure put that in the baseball ring.”

Won’t someone PLEASE pull a Shooter McGavin?!

I’m sorry, I have to say something. I’m a Bernie supporter, and a longtime Jezebel reader, AND I was there in the room. I shot some videos that have been aired on major networks, and I actually have a relatively neutral perspective. Could you please interview me for an alternate view of what happened, instead of just…

“We explored options for developing classic servers and none could be executed without great difficulty.” So, a few guys can set one up for themselves and invite 150k people to play on them, but the company that made the fucking game says it’s too hard? Bullshit.

We found the freshman philosophy major.

Because a fat guy came to your home and ate cookies?

“I am Vilipolvius Frenz, from the Ruanada quadrant, leader of the Gracciponides. I have transformed my energy into a ball and approached your highest energy flow, emanating from what appears to be a a slow-moving but birdlike and willowy warrior. Now that I have made my way into your earthen vessel, may I speak to the…

Pablo Sansabelt.

For those keeping track, the title of largest intact belt is now held by Kuiper.