To which Aikman replied: “Will you shut up and come back to bed?”

This act will henceforth be known as Ruffin the nuts.

I know they said it was going to be a bad year for pistachios, but 25¢ per nut is absolutely outrageous.

Oh no, this year is just gonna be a bunch of Harambe signs, isn’t it?

hell yeah baby Stand Up & Cheer

who are all these noble and brave patriots who can be at a Trump rally at 10am on a weekday? Shouldn’t they be at their jobs, all furiously bootstrapping? Sad!

Hell, I’m kind of surprised the other party was a woman.

Sadly, not the first bridge/water to suffer structural damage in Minnesota.

When the lightskinned brothers start attacking each other, we’ve truly lost all hope. We were supposed to be a team!

Can’t

If you got money, you don’t have a right to complain.

Jason Garret has offered to donate his backbone, since he rarely uses his.

This storm will pass. And probably be picked off and returned for a TD.

I feel like a person whose introduction to porn was their rapist abductor kind of doesn't have the most level starting point for a conversation about the subject. But maybe that's just me.

Wait, so some asshole 3rd world country security guards really did draw their weapons and demand cash as a requisite for letting them go? So Lochte only lied about some events which was really only embellishing and we are roasting someone other than those backwards Brazilian corrupt pieces of human shits? I thought we…

First loves always hold a special place in someones heart, especially if they never came to be. However why is everyone so negatively thinking about eternity? What if heaven means she gets another chance at life, a different life, where Leo survived? Leaving behind the old one she lived fully, up to something new.

How about one where the soldier has obvious post-concussion syndrome symptoms that the NFL pretends not to notice?

I’ve always had a fantasy where they bring out the family and kids, and when they say turn around or Let’s welcome home Corporal Marine Todd, the family turns around overjoyed and then they wheel out a casket with the flag draped over it.

Oh, so the certificate I paid $25 for is not actual certification, the certification advertised here?

Don't ditch cable! Your sex addiction makes you quite a character— watch the USA network, characters are welcome there.