SHANDY!!!

I have a feeling this author likes provoking a reaction, since any sane professional human would have asked if it was ok to bring a baby before hand. Here’s an idea: If you have a newborn, skip the conference. When I had newborns, my husband and I had to sacrifice a ton of shit: time, money, social and professional…

Stop being such an old feminist.

Why did no one stop her from saying this? WHY?

They are pulled by a different gravitational force than adults.

The worst is when they would be sitting nicely in my lap looking at something and then suddenly smash the back of their skull into my mouth or nose or throat.

I get like a million catalogues from whomever lived in my house before me, so of course I have to look at them because I am compelled by some devil, and so many clothing companies have models wearing big chunky sweaters (which I love because as I hit my late thirties because I have stopped the internal struggle and…

I feel terrible but I even struggled with the first half because it was told from the point of view of the child. And I even have a child the same age as the boy. I just couldn’t with the baby talk.

For a long time my kids’ favourite show was “Max & Ruby”, a show about two small bunnies whose parents are mysteriously absent (I like to believe Max and Ruby murdered them and buried them in the basement). I love the name Max, though, it was high on my husband’s list of names for our son!

My husband and I almost got divorced over naming our children. He likes plain names and I found myself for the first time being overwhelmed with whimsy (it must have been the hormones). I wanted Hazel and Georgina and Buttercup and Poppy, and he was like, “Can you imagine someone named Buttercup becoming an…

IT’S WHAT PLANTS CRAVE.

I got to watch my husband struggle to contain the “I told you so” that was virtually forcing itself out of his mouth; he basically had to run away covering his mouth and stay gone for a few hours to prevent our divorce that day.

You could sport Carrot Top’s afro after a rainstorm with a tiny circus top hat balanced on top and still look gorgeous, so it doesn’t count.

Bad hair cuts are just part of the healing process.

This is how Buffalo Bill talked about women’s skin in Silence of the Lambs.

She made a total post-birth hormonal based hair decision. I had my hair died blonde after my second kid (I felt super depressed about how I looked) and then it basically all fell out because it was it fried and the cut I got to save it was along the lines of Julie Andrews in Sound of Music. I looked like I ate a tire…

This costume says, “My vagina is a good place for a rat to drag a slice of pizza to consume in peace, away from the hustle and bustle of the subway.” I don’t think we are supposed to think about it too hard, though.

Every year I make a new pointy hat out of green bristol board and throw on a red “Sriracha” shirt, and every year I am the hit of the neighbourhood (but with children because I don’t go out ever anymore). I wear leggings with it, but you could easily put on a mini skirt and some heels to make it sexy.

“There’s no ‘I’ in team, but there’s a ‘U’ in cunt.”

I was out drinking in the woods with some friends as a teen and my friend was scratching his belly and then he lifted up his shirt and it was the biggest god damn tick any of us had ever seen, buried in belly. He tried to do that lift-flick thing but couldn’t get it, so in a drunken state he took a swiss army knife…