Way Way better than mine which just says DJOOS CONTROL ALL THE BANKS AND THE MEDIA

I’m a Caps fan, and yesterday for kicks I went and read every single Washington Post article I could find about the Caps final playoff game beginning in 2008, when they first made the playoffs with Ovechkin on the squad and lost in the first round to the Flyers in 7.

Vegas fans quickly shook this off in anticipation of their beloved warriors sweep tonight

Caps looked much better this game (yes even 5v5) because they adjusted their game plan. It really can all be boiled down to a few things:

While dating my wife, her and her roommates bathrooms were an absolute nightmare. One roommate wouldn’t flush all the time... Once a week I’d open up one of their toilets and see a big old pot of piss, sometimes poops.... one time, there was a used tampon laying on top of the poops; like an injured sailor dying on a…

I hate Tom Wilson probably more than you do, but it’s hard to call him a “4th line” goon when his linemates are Kuznetsov and Ovechkin, he averages well over 16 minutes per night, and has 13 points in 18 playoff games. If not a “1st line goon” he’s at least ascended to “top 6 goon.”

If Detroit ever gets to the playoffs again, I want them to start every home game by making everyone sit through the complete assembly of a 4-door sedan, right there on the ice.

Kevin Can’t Hardly Wait for Guffman.

I have a lot of thoughts about this, but the only one I can adequately articulate is “Fuck Mike Wilbon.”

“Like, how does this physically not go in?”

Ennh basically everyone else on that list played the bulk of their careers with goalies who wore newspapers for pads and refused to go down on the ice for anything other than to pick up cigarette butts. Ovechkin’s goals per game when adjusted for quality of competition—in an era with actual defensive systems and…

Sid, I hope you had a good night’s sleep.

Frontier Airlines: Now Serving Tim Horton’s Coffee!

I love Deadspin and I am and will always be Team Deadspin, particularly when it comes to Barstool.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but a black hockey player scored in the game last night...

I don’t know who he is, but I know he’s against paying college athletes.

If he hadn’t mentioned that article at all, someone in the comments would have gone after him for pretending he didn’t think the team would be bad, or some nonsense like that. There’s no winning that battle.

Germany’s Der Spiegel magazine that it was “an impertinence,

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m getting a strong Randy Marsh vibe from this fight.

This is genuinely one of the most nonsensical things I’ve ever read on this site. You’re saying that unless he wins multiple Stanley Cups, Ovechkin won’t outdo players such as Labre, Langway, Bondra, Hunter, Gartner, and Kolzig for “best Cap ever,” despite the fact that none of those guys have a single cup with the…