Convicted of beating the shit of your girlfriend? Play for the Cowboys.

The NFL: Where it’s totally legal to shoot a guy full of horse tranquilizer to get him to play through pinched nerves and torn muscles,but don’t get caught trying to cope with your mental issues by smoking (basically) legal weed!

My 60lb pointer pulls the sneak attack. He goes to bed in his bed then you wake up at 3a.m. because to can’t breathe to find out he is sleeping on top of you.

Yep. I left my wife with our new puppy for a week when I had a business trip. Came home and the puppy was sitting on my pillow giving me this look like "oh you sleep here too?"

Of course it was done by a man, it’s a legal statement, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner

This is my favorite.

+1 Goal line interception

It’s so romantic when a couple saves themselves for their second marriage.

Man, she’s going to be really disappointed when she finds out how little time he spends in the pocket.

Because he’s the best hitter who ever lived and the idea of him imparting his knowledge to a new generation of players is a wonderful thing.

Ichiro and Bonds should switch jobs every two weeks all season. The first ever coach/player platoon. Who would object?

Jose Fernandez: so much fun.

Disclaimer: SKORCHING TAKE AHEAD

If somebody is walking up behind me so I can essentially fart on their face, sure. Otherwise the elevator is far superior.

I take the elevator if I have to fart because I am a bad person.

When is it acceptable to make a shit-ass comment about someone taking the elevator? Never. Because I did it once, and the person was coming off of knee surgery a few months prior and I had to go to “sensitivity” class because of it.

Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?

Sweet, my complete disdain for the guy has now been vindicated.

That seriously felt like a Seinfeld skit.

Jerry: And then Paul O’ Neill showed up and endorsed him for President.
George: Really Jerry. Paul O’ Neill, THE Paul O’ Neill, endorsed Donald Trump for President. I have to say, I like it. It’s funny in an outlandish way. Use it in your act. I don’t know how you come up with…