I...knew it? He must be like their Samson. I bet if you shave it off he gets drunk off of three beers and ruins his brats.

Good instincts:

I’m so confused by that mustache. I want to say it’s a Wisconsin mustache, but this man is not fat enough to be from Wisconsin. It’s the uncanny valley of Wisconsin man in the Olympics, and I don’t like it one bit.

To be fair Bode’s career was spent looking completely out of control but turning up fast times (or crashing).

Don’t worry, you’ll be getting Lindsey Vonn from now until you die.

1. Spend less than you earn.

Honestly? Getting married. Not because of the tax break, but because combining our finances helped both of us curb reckless spending. Even though we don’t ask permission, we talk to each other about purchases before we make them, and it’s hard to avoid how silly some purchases are when you have to justify them out…

I know Pete Rose got his knob polished for sliding into home needlessly wrecking a guy’s career during that one All-Star game . . .

I always preferred The Pillsbury Throwboy.

Yeah, well, you know who else never got much amplitude on his jumps?

At first I thought it was funny because of the sheer, minimal competence involved, and then I got a little annoyed when I found out how she got in. But now, I feel like the only way to describe this is that it’s actually insane. Like, who does this? Many people dream of one day competing in the Olympics, and of course…

Fuck I wish I had thought of this before this woman ruined it for everyone.

I worked with a woman whose husband won a ring with the 1994 Cowboys. She showed me the ring-top necklace that Jerry Jones gifted all the players’ wives. It was an exact replica of the top of the Super Bowl ring and hung on a gold chain.

but with a six-pound medicine ball so when you catch it you go oof Hooofer.

“He walked four miles down a mountain with John Muir”

Welcome to Europe?

“Meldonium” sounds like something he would have been exposed to after losing the gold, not before winning the bronze.

Of course scandals like this are nothing new in curling. Last year at the Tournament of Hearts the Skip of the Manitoba team was busted for having a blood-alcohol level under .12. The sport still hasn’t recovered.