I have a friend who puts used eggshells back into the motherfucking container so he can “throw them all out at once”, guy’s a psycho

Such a ridiculous double standard when it comes to catching your spouse masturbating. The few times I’ve caught my wife or found out about it later I’m like “Hey now, that’s hot...want some company?” But whenever she catches me it’s all “Gross! What’s wrong with you? At least wait until the funeral is over!”

You should ABSOLUTELY take ballroom dancing classes, girls love that! I took tango in college I met so many gorgeous and interesting women and had a lot of great dating experiences. Plus, even when the classes were over, I was able to use my new moves to impress other gals. Plus it’s fun! Dancing is cool.

Eric, tell everyone about the cockroaches, man!

Steve Prefondidntrain

I say let him keep racing. He’s got a Rosie future.

If you’re fucking Woody Allen at the end of a Woody Allen movie, bad things are in store for you.

RomCom couple that’s most screwed. Edward Lewis and Vivian Ward in Pretty Woman. Yeah, sure, he shows up like her white knight and saves her, but then he starts to remembers that one time she told him that she doesn’t kiss anyone on the mouth and the fact that he’s a multimillionaire and SHE’S A FUCKING PROSTITUTE. …

I was at a bar a couple months ago in a college town and I happened to witness a girl turn green and immediately throw up into a totebag (no idea if it was hers or not). It was a magical sight to see as I am almost 100% sure that I was the only one to witness this happening.

I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU

Burn those goddamn socks, Andy. You’ve fought them to a standstill. Nothing’s worse than poorly sized socks.

I remember when “adventure bikes” were called “enduros.”

There has never been a movie made that would not have been improved by making it shorter.

You know, the guy’s a buffoon. A lout. The kind of guy who yells at the waiter because his Borscht isn’t hot. The sort of simpleton who hears Nietzche and says “Gesundheit”. The kind of neanderthal who’d bomb us back to the stone age just so he could have an intellectual discussion.