“I want to find out exactly how much angel food cake is TWENTY POUNDS of angel food cake!”

Is no one laughing? Then yes, it is an elaborate Kyle Mooney sketch.*

As the final breath escaped the mountain lion’s lungs, he whispered defiantly, “My name is Mellencamp.”

Going to an overwhelmingly white HS made me realize that to my white “friends” I was little more than a Get Out of Being Called a Racist card and at the end of the day thats how pretty much all white people that act civil to our faces see us as. Politicians lie for a living so in theory we can never REALLY trust white…

“I want chicken nuggets and a beer”

Wasn’t this exact scene cut from “King Ralph” because they though nobody’d believe it? 

HEY EVERYONE SHUT UP, THERE’S A GUY WITH A HUGE LIFT KIT AND A TINY DICK SPEAKING. 

Honestly I’d be happy if they made lifts illegal.

Where to Go When You Don’t Have a PCP

It seems almost inevitable that the Bengals take the Browns spot at the bottom of the division for the next decade. 

I would certainly relish watching Mayfield hammer the Bengals every year and just point at Hue Jackson after every touchdown. I looooove me some vindictiveness.

To replace him, Cincinnati will hire a guy named Marty Lewis, who bears a striking resemblance to Marvin except for a mustache.

Ooh, please do the easy, dumb, cheap-as-shit Mike Brown thing and promote Hue! 

I believe the only correct answer is MASSHOLE...

On this weeks episode: I fill out some papers, James takes a number, and Richard hits some cones.

A Bryan Goldberg machine is a device designed to perform a simple task incorrectly.

I make honking noises every time I squeeze my nipples. Anyways, what’s this article about?

Definitely a hot take. A really shitty one, but hot as well. Rollins has seen some shit that would make a lot of people’s hair go grey, he knows what he’s talking about.

Yeah, the Punisher is pretty much just a well armed, psycho killer. Travis Bickle with branding.