I am a Simpson-holic.

Half staff is the best that Donald can manage.

MAGA - My Attorney Got Arrested.

don’t leave out the best line...!

“May I suggest a hobby? Needlepoint? Crosswords? Zoloft?”

My experience has been that the only way to not be seen as some sort of plebeian that needs to be provided with low quality, undecoartive plates is to send my butler (or lady’s maid if the butler is occupied) to the restaurant along with my second best set of Wedgwood china. He arranges the food attractively in the…

Re: Word Nerd: according to latest stats, nearly half the population of our fair state of NM is illiterate. Shaddap and vote, or volunteer to tutor local children. Ya nerd.

Is this a new thing that’s spreading?

The implication would be that by spending at such a level, the driver of the expensive car would probably be supplementing their lawful income with a steady stream of embezzled product, not limited to a single high-value theft. (FWIW, the previous month I had been rear-ended by a Walmart delivery semi, and used the…

“How’s everything tasting? And can you keep down the sobbing and accusations of adultery? It’s disturbing table 3.”

There's no rule that says a dog can't play basketball, you see. DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE.

*swirls cape, attempts to leap through window, crashes into wall instead*

Did she call you “honey”?  If so, she probably wants you to follow her home after her shift and then knock on her door at 2 am.  Tell us how it goes!

FALSE. They’re all the worst.

Why do servers have the habit of either interrupting what might be a break-up, or other serious, intense conversation

The problem is all the “good” letters are just as shit, which is how you end up with people thinking its OK to ask for advice on every mild annoyance in life tangentially connected to eating out.

I sort of love that no shoe guy thinks the world operates on Airbud rules (there’s nothing in the rulebook that says I can’t be barefoot)

With Whipped Cream’s letter takes me back - about eight years ago a corporate directive came down to the coffee shop in the media store I managed to start charging $0.25 for whipped cream, and the cafe manager had her staff ignore the directive. Soon after that, there was a theft where an unauthorized person gained…

Have I been writing my column long enough to start phoning it in?

Jesus.