For like a nanosecond I forgot you were a doctor. Whew! That was a close one! Thank god y0u were here to remind me. I know if people forget, you’ll cease to exist.

Good god, do you know how to write a sentence that isn’t a gargantuan run-on? Punctuation is your friend. You’d seem so much less manic if you used it a little more.

MELVIN HAS TWO MOMMIES, HEATHER. Get out of denial and deal with it, you homophobe.

This fucker is that Internet pervert the world has warned us about.

The more you respond to me, the more I understand why you tend to rely on communication via pictures instead of words. Now I’m worried for poor Melvin’s future. Thank god he’s good at sports, at least!

I don’t think Melvin will appreciate the competition. He is a Very Important Baby. Leave the kidnapped baby on the side of a road before Melvin kills it in its sleep. You can tell from the twinkle in his eye that Melvin is already a dangerous sociopath. Ten years from now he’s probably going to be posting pictures on…

What exactly is someone going to do with his picture???

Please, please, please look at these pictures of my baby. I know it has absolutely nothing to do with this article BUT I’M SUCH A PROUD MOM I JUST DON’T CARE. His name is Melvin and he’s going to be in a newspaper article about the world’s worst baseball players.

I did indeed have a mouth full of live shrimp as I was typing that. I find it’s a more effective wake-me-up than coffee. All those little tickly legs against my tongue.

You’re hired! Your job is to now proofread all of my posts. I shall pay you in Vagisil and pictures of babies whose mothers have less common sense than their infant offspring.

Oh, well then, that changes everything! I didn’t realize he was a Very Important Baby Who Is Going To Be In A Newspaper. I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID.

I store extra common sense in the hole in my life where a child should be. It’s surprising how often it comes in handy.

Sorry, I think it’s weird that this person has posted pictures of her baby in no less than five different places on Jezebel. For instance, on an article about someone dressed up as Bill Cosby and a rape victim. Yup. Super normal to post pictures of your kids all over Kinja. Even more normal to do it on posts like that.

Oh my god, you’re posting this everywhere? What is wrong with you? WE GET IT. Your baby wore a costume. Do you need an award of some kind before you’ll stop spamming Jezebel with these pictures?

It’s baffling that you think anyone would care. This isn’t Facebook.