may I suggest the Internet?

Well, I’d recommend cats, but they’re nearly as expensive in the long run, so perhaps books. Large, non-fiction tomes, specifically, biographies.

I mean, don’t send threats and harassment to the people who did come up with this whole thing, either? Like, I think it’s an incredibly shitty business model, that deserves extensive criticism, but harassing devs on social media - particularly with death threats - is never justified.

The worst part is that in all likelihood, it’s not his fault. It’s likely a high-ranking executive at EA that called the shots on this.

Impressive, I couldn’t even see the goalpost.

Why do people need to constantly talk about how PC’s run games better than consoles? Everybody already knows that. It’s such a pointless conversation.

That’s a really cool story. Can you tell it again? Do we have time?

Go to better restaurants.

Everyone has a big hard-on for Bill Belichick and his whole DO YOUR JOB mantra, but the reason that mantra works for the Patriots is because Belichick, ever the micromanager, has put best practices in place that ALLOW players to do their job.

Can’t do fucking shocked. What I can do is fucking surprised.

REALLY, A TEAM BECOMES A WHOLE LOT WORSE AFTER TRADING FOR CARMELO ANTHONY???? COLOR ME FUCKING SHOCKED.

Producer: “Cue up something for the loss of Roy Halladay.”

Nothing out of the ordinary here, just your standard 21 dong salute.

Here’s Eli holding a tiny bucket.

If only he had millions of dollars to fall back on

Eli is screwed because he’s not good enough to start anywhere, has too many rings to be a backup without creating a QB controversy, and isn’t likable enough for a TV job. 

What the fuck dude? The toilet is right there. Just pee into the toilet. How the fuck do you get piss on your pants when you’re peeing sitting down? In your buttcrack? I don’t believe this for a second. Is your dick shaped like a giant U that points right back up your butt? No, no it is not.

Unless he has changed his legal name to “Jimmy Butler,” there is absolutely no sense in which Kris Dunn has turned into Jimmy Butler.

Watch this space for my upcoming article, “Deadspin Commenters Whose Reading Skills Are Butt.”

Uhhhh... Frank Kaminksy is on this list.