Christ, mine would have to be as large as the Vietnam Memorial. Kids would go down the line trying to find their mother’s name before scraping an imprint with a crayon onto a piece of paper.

I would take the website/memorial wall. For all the “you fapped to me/my wife/my sister” awkwardness, I would say “just read the rest of the list,” and they would realize that I’ve fapped to pretty much everyone. At some point, it would be an insult to not be included.

I am looking to hire cooks and waitstaff for my newest restaurant - Punchie’s This Is How We Serve It.

does she realize that she should pull her pants down first?

You do, however, get your choice of barbecue sauces: smoky, spicy, or sweet.

They’re giving out practice squad trophies in Miami no wonder the team is bad at football they’ve been coddled and hugged and told they were special by their handlers and personal assistants in my day the only personal assistant a quarterback had was his conscience and if any scrub player picked him off in practice,…

It looks like Philbin was able to resolve that issue at practice. Tannehill looked a lot more comfortable getting intercepted during the game.

Enjoy your practice squad cars and your practice squad beds and your practice squad apartments. After I’m done doing throws here I’m going to step inside the mouth of a whale and the whale will take me to my luxury condo out near the edge of the continental shelf where mermaids will be my bed. Do you get it? I am…

Maybe if you put all of them in the right order, you open an elder gate and let the old ones through, rousing Cthullu from his sleep and unleashing the apocalypse upon the world.

Mine* has, recently, taken to pointing out how I’m lazy. This is incredibly un-self aware, coming from him. I mean, he’s not wrong, but still.

Wait, why do you think that these companies wouldn’t be in business if the contests were ‘winnable’? You might be thinking of a spin-off on the traditional “Trap Game!” theory of sports betting (i.e. GB opened at -8 at some sportsbook and if you are thinking of betting on GB on that line . . . “It’s a trap!”) The…

I’ve had the same discussion with my son. “But Dad, you could win a million dollars!” No. No I could not.

If that’s the case, let me know if The McLaughlin Group is any good and if there’s any can’t-miss Ken Burns documentaries coming up.

I’ve just started immediately muting the TV every commercial break during college or NFL football because there’s a 100% chance one site or the other or both is going to be on that break.

The Reuben one reminded me of a story Terry Pratchett told. He said that one jet-lagged evening he accidently asked for Three Mile Island dressing for his salad. The waitress didn’t say a word, just brought him Thousand Island dressing and a bottle of hot sauce.

Dearest Bryce:

I would have thought these two would be more likely to settle their differences through a series of scholarly letters.

I wish it were trigonometry. Seeing Luck and Fitzpatrick match wits for three hours sure as hell would have been exponentially more interesting than whatever I was watching on ESPN last night.

Before any Patriots fans comment:

You had one job!