Why do I think he'll be using this photo on his E-harmony profile?

That doesn't sound like something we would do.

I would totally do this if I had an otter. And since I'm an otter too, we would hold hands and never be separated. It would be otterly beautiful.

I spent an inordinate amount of time making faces at my pet turtle tonight, and he was not amused.

Now he can share salmonella with his beloved pet turtle as well.

I'm feeling so claustrophobic on his behalf right now

Bonus points if someone in that professional context says "$200? Hell, I'll do it for $100."

Exactly! If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the people trying the hardest to be shocking are usually some of the least interesting people you've ever met.

Especially the "they got saran wrap up at the front" comment. She knows this guy ain't serious.

When the "stripper/crack whore" in your story is a better troll than you are, you are a bad troll who should feel bad.