never order anything that isn’t Heineken or Guinness. unless it’s free, then drink whatever comes your way

WTF? I thought football players were “tough?”

I would have assumed this story was a lie until the part where you admit that your music was a mix of incubus and dave matthews. No one would make that up about themselves. Consider yourself believed.

“kind of a mix of Incubus and Dave Matthews”

Good thing the whole world will be tuning in for two weeks to watch these reporters diligently write a bunch of garbage that no one will read. All that attention should appease them.

Justin Verlander can’t be bothered to play, as he’s used to getting hit in the face by large jugs on a nightly basis.