“Know what? Fuck it. Let’s end the column here and you can all go download some piece of shit podcast where I chat about the lines with my bozo friends who you don’t care about!”

Do you mean before Brady offered to turn over his phone and was told it wasn’t necessary because the NFL already had all of his text conversations, or after?

Goodell flexed on Tom Brady simply because Brady wouldn’t cooperate with this investigatory cosplay, and that’s the funniest thing about all of this. Goodell and his minions got all the power they wanted, and all it’s resulted in is a player who almost definitely did what he was accused of sticking his middle finger…

THIS IS LIKE A LEVEL 7 DICKPUNCH FROM THAT COLUMN I WROTE 12 YEARS AGO THAT EVERYONE REMEMBERS LIKE GOSPEL

The Internet has jaded you. I was being sincere.

This is such a vital point to make.

So is this about basketball, or....?

Carson Palmer, who is incapable of having a successful season that does NOT end in some kind of devastating tractor accident. Any time you read about Carson Palmer, you can usually find a teammate saying, “IT SOUNDED LIKE A GUN WENT OFF WHEN IT HAPPENED!”

This is actually probably the most likely scenario. Primus sucks.

Haha this is precisely my point. It’s mind-bending. I really think if he tries that move on me, I tear something.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if a move like this was pulled on me. Would a 2000-2001 Iverson crossover literally break my ankles? If Messi pulled this shit on me would I just audibly tear both sides of my groin? These guys routinely make the best players in the world look like fools, but would it legitimately…

I huffily went to his pro-football-reference page before I got this. Nice.

What a big strong man he is! Wow!

No no no, Bootstraps McGee over there is an ardent Republican. Taking public money for private gain would be heresy.

+2 guns up

Gotcha covered.

You sure that’s the only reason people from Alabama won’t read a book?

For what percentage of recruits does he personally lead the recruitment process?

Never know who you’re gonna run into on Kinja. Thanks for the clarification, that’s awesome.

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company,…