She also organizes my colognes and combs.

Guys, I found a picture of this baby’s future!

My mom has promised me that my nanny will be with me until I go to college.

I’m still waiting for this revolution.

I don’t care how much $$$$$ you have. If Scott Disick is your idol, even if you are 10, you seriously need to look back at your life and see where you fucked everything up.

I was really hating my job until I read about the poor woman who has to charge a 10 year olds cell phone to exactly 99%.

I’m a family law attorney, and my office has been up in arms about this all week.

His buddy never made it out of the liquor store.

12 yards long

I look at this the following way: There is anticipation (nervousness) on the side of the speaker, but there is also anticipation on the side of the audience (will this be interesting, or a waste of time?). Chances are therefore that there is a certain tension in the room. What I do right at the beginning is to somehow…

zayn ur still dead to me

Count all the words in the book instead of reading them. Count all the words in the tweet rather than tweeting them. Erase up to and including the first 140 characters.

Wait, so SHIA LEBEOUF will be Han Solo?!!? hahahahah

Revenge, I suppose.

I threw back my head and laughed at this specific line:

Yep, lobbying the governor to create a website that can do your job better, faster, and more cheaply than you can is definitely the smart move, Casey. What could possibly go wrong?

it never gets old