I met my now girlfriend on OKC. I couldn't think of anything to say to her so I just sent her an Onion article I saw that day that I thought summed up the whole experience of online dating. Safe to say, it definitely worked. http://www.theonion.com/articles/paren…

Have you ever farted into a bag and smelt your own stank? If not, go do that. Like right now.

People just kind of make up their own rules while driving here. It's a fucking nightmare.

I've lived in Denver for a little over a year now and so I was pretty excited to be living in a city that had a championship contender (from Cleveland). I watched the game with my boss and his family. I just remember a strange moment of watching these children and seeing their hopes and dreams smashed right before my…

Charleston is vastly overrated. Unless, you enjoy a trip down ante-bellum lane featuring time traveling hipsters.

I can suck farts out of my ass but that doesn't mean it's a sport because I spend hours with a tube up my asshole.

Do you kiss your cousin with that mouth?

Yeah didn't she fuck The Fridge?

Yeah. You're right. Things were better when you could get away with fucking your sister.

Newsflash: Humorous anecdote turns out to be exaggerated.