I can’t wait for GTA VI:Rio. You can either kill a bunch a people or try for a gold medal in kayaking.

I got 11 balls today

The expense account line item read:

His first draft: “We are fucked. Fucker fucked us. After Westbrook fucks us we are more fucked. No good player will fucking replace them because who the fuck wants to live in fucking Oklafuckinghoma?”

“Hi. I work at the BBC and my job is to vet our top presenters to make sure they don’t embarrass the station” said no one ever?

I guess punching a producer doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?

I have a chrome extension that gives examples to contextualize numbers (just for fun) so it read “The Nets are reportedly giving Lin a three-year deal worth $36 million [≈ First-edition Gutenberg Bible]”

Also “It’s a Malcolm Gladwell book” as if it could ever be anything else

At the very least call it “Tessa.” That’s the name you give a woman that isn’t cheap.

He’s already demanded a trade to the Pirates.

So your argument here is that the daughter of a former MLB lobbyist didn’t understand how the MLB and its farm system work?

Translation: “I had hoped that no one would find out just what kind of horrible, sub-human piece of garbage I am, but, you have, so I’m callously trying to save face as best I can.”

Old Golf Pro: “Wow! What’s your handicap?”
Girl: [gestures towards her parents]

Ok, yeah, but more importantly how shitty are all those cops in the cars? Dude is just jogging around a field while trying to keep his pants from falling down. Get out of your damn cars and tackle him you idiots. Really, you’re gonna make the helicopter pilot do your job for you?

May VW owners derive strength through the joy of this restitution.

I heard a story about her this morning that I wanted to share. She was on a flight seated in the first row, and during takeoff, one of the flight attendants sat across from her in a jump seat. She was crying, and Pat asked her what was wrong, and if she could help. It turns out that the flight attendant as a child was…

LeBron just won his chronically useless, sports black hole, title drought mired city a title. No fucking way KD is going near that kind of absurd expectation. He’d be put on a pedestal for the purpose of making it easier for horrible entitled DMV fans to throw things at him. Thus the endless search to find one athlete…

I hope nobody asks you to do their eulogy.

A couple other tips: