This comment was written by Yoda Dennis Miller

What I Talk About When I Talk About Whatever I Was Just Talking About

Wow, Miami of Ohio grads are a bit oversensitive about the name of their school.

#prayforhiggins

FUCK YOU CAILLOU!!!

In regards to the manufacture of almond milk, does the author know how many priests are required to coax the milk from the dark universe within a given almond? Are we considering that, maybe, there just aren’t enough acolytes or enough strange crystals to go around to fuel this lust? Also, what effect to the almond…

In a literal fight between a bunch of warriors and a bunch of baby cows, who would win? Don’t be so quick to say the group of warriors would do it. The Rock has some pretty big calves. And sometimes, a calf will bite you. Also, why won’t this headache go away? And why does it smell like burning feathers?

I went to the same school as Bryant “Big Country” Reeves and the school was a pontoon boat and what we learned was that you have to keep Big Country wet or he’ll die. It was incredible to be a part of that.

It was too much for this fan to bear last night.

At what point in the children’s game can we start physically attacking the other players for succeeding? I don’t know. That’s for the crying babies filling their diapers about it to decide I guess.

“Oh my God, this umpire’s arm just fell off!”

I am very confident that is illegal.

I know! First we lost The Greatest this past weekend. Now we’ve lost the 2.733,099th Greatest.

You should have seen the trash that was there during the race...even more staggering.

Soon this league will be virtually unrecognizable. A power forward the size of a single proton? OK, pal, but not on my watch!! Do you think a wing player should be no larger than a down quark so that he can exploit the laws of physics to travel the potato through the objective circle? NEITHER DO I MY FRIEND BECAUSE I…

Man at control panel wearing headset: Sir, it’s the advanced stats, they’re redlining.

Our primary objective is to convert all biomass into one continuous sports complex that wraps the globe in fields and bleachers and box seats and concourses and slab concrete tunnels and hyper modern locker rooms where the walls, ceillings, and floors are coated in synthetic skin bio-engineered from the DNA of famous…

Harp. No one likes the sound of the harp. And people who claim to like it think they do because of its association with pretentious shit (and heaven, which is also pretentious).

One of the most fun things to do is to ruin everybody’s night at the karaoke bar by performing a haunting rendition of a Radiohead b-side, perhaps like Myxomatosis or You and Whose Army?

GOP: Please stop voting for the large, clear garbage bag we filled with the dusty semen of our elders and had a woods witch bring to life with an enchantment many years ago. The experiment went horribly wrong. I mean, sure, the animated bag of old republican semen had a stunning academic run and just, sort of, kept…