Basketball would be better if the ball was a round screen and we could live tweet tweets right to the ball in real time so the dribbler could read the ball and become inspired to do more good kinds of shots. Imagine being passed a ball and right there on the screen/ball it says, from @DildoDunkins69: Hammer the…

I liked baseball better when the game was played by specialists, not a bunch of showboat do-it-all “athletes.” Someone once showed Goose Gossage a photograph of a basketball and he loosed his bowels and fell into a coma for three months.

My favorite bit in that one John Lennon song is like when he goes,

Dunking is great because when you get up there and slam the potato into the goal you have a moment to wonder if your dad will ever really love you. He won’t and you have to get back on defense or you’ll be fired from the game by the Captain.

Coaches should be stored in clear, glass tubes filled with mysterious light blue liquid. They should be completely nude except for a breathing mask for breathing and a voice amplifier for shouting. The coach tube tanks could be wheeled around by teens, tots, toddlers, and other child-like creatures belonging to team…