She should also get a medal for the best genuine reaction to winning.

Stroking a Monstrous Dong : Baseball :: Phelps’ 200 IM : Swimming

There’s a sobering reminder of the fleeting nature of youth. And existence.

I’ll gladly defend starring this. Chlorophyte me!

Solo synchronized swimming seems like an oxymoron.

The Crash Test Dummies wrote a song similar to the story about that crash test dummy.

Summer Olympic Gold Medals since 1896 (all sports):

The lower cap is made of a material that grips a swimmer’s head better (so the cap is more likely to stay put), but the lower cap’s material tends to wrinkle, which produces drag. The second cap doesn’t wrinkle, so it reduces drag, but it would be more likely to come off of a swimmer’s head without the lower cap…

It’s a real shame that le Clos won’t even be on the podium for Phelps to stare down upon.

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It’s not a matter of the length of the stick, it’s a matter of how well you slap balls with it.

Men’s Swimming Olympic Gold Medals since 1896:

Dad-joke tags are the best tags.

It’s hard to get excited for any Olympic sport that relies only on the competitors’ precision. Unusual speed and/or strength need to be involved somehow.

Why are so many ads appearing in the middle of the comment section now? That's the definition of bad Kinja.

They are oversensitive about everything they shouldn’t be. They had their own Redskins name controversy in the 90s, but no one seemed to care or notice - this lack of recognition bizarrely bothers some of their alumni.

Meanwhile, my wife makes the bed in four seconds and it looks like the entire staff of a Hyatt did the job. It’s bullshit. And whenever I tell my wife I suck at making the bed, she just tells me I’m being lazy. And I’m like NO, I REALLY DO SUCK AT THIS. She ain’t buying it.

If you learned any of the important lessons from Talladega Nights, you know Jeff Gordon is about to steal Dale Jr.’s family.

I’ve watched plenty of uninteresting videos in my day, but that one was the most anticlimactic. I assumed they were going to roll the trophy onto the water slide by itself just to watch it bounce around like crazy, but, no, it’s just a bunch of dudes hoisting it while oozing down the slide together.

Your writing is a joy to read. The fact that you can make this article funny without once wedging a “pianist/penis” joke in there is a damn miracle.