At my favorite deli right after the lunch rush the owner (wife was front of the house, husband back) used to go around to each table asking if everything was ok.... while holding a big ass knife. It never got old, I swear.

Right? I mean, who the fuck spells it “Woah?”

Oh, you meant the other thing. But I stand by what I said.

Aaand, we’ve found the engineer in the room.

Every comment at Seventeen is ripping this post, so at least there’s that.

Go to the library and hit the magazine area or teen area. Pull out seventeen for this month. Read, if you must, and then put it back.

Teenagers are, on average, fucking idiots.

Alyssa Fiorentino needs to go away. I can imagine her penning articles about poking holes in condoms: “Use a quick prick to trick his dick”. Or for returning your worn prom dress “Keep the bag. Hide the tag. And just don’t brag ...’til the cash hits your hand”

“I need a Venti cup and a marker.”

I wonder how upbeat Seventeen would be if someone published a “life hack” or scam as Most people refer to this, on how to get Seventeen magazine for free each month.

I’m not sure what about this guy pisses me off more. The birthday scam, his “easy as pie” drink order, or the way he talks to the barista.

Thanks, Seventeen, God knows there aren’t enough avenues encouraging teenagers to act like sociopaths.

Well, it’s all about how much it can haul. Obviously, a doucheschooner hauls more than a douchecanoe, though both pale before the douchefreighter.

All I’m wondering is, did the guy have a plan for leap years? Or does he just sit at home, every fourth year, on the 29th of February, contemplating his miserable life, gleefully looking forward to going back to celebrating his birthday again the very next day?

“although in retrospect, I probably should have; the internet loves news of anything pertaining to “menu hacks””

Also, Seventeen doesn’t know how to spell “whoa.”

So is a doucheschooner like a douche canoe, but worse? Is there an established hierarchy of douchebaggery I can consult?

The scammer needs a punch in the throat just for using the phrase “easy as pie” with such a bullshit complicated order.

Didn’t we establish that the minimum balance on a starbucks card is $5? *Checks* Yes, yes we did.

Look, she REALLY needed to bring the boys to the yard, and she was on a deadline.

Actually, that Starbucks manager should have called that guy out, the second time he tried to claim it was his birthday. (As well as allowing him to get a $6.50 item for $3.50 or whatever.) It would have saved the writer endless amounts of bullshit, as I’m sure Mr. Marker wouldn’t have come it at all, were he to have…