He can get a good look at a dickhead by sticking his head up Goodell’s urethra...wait...it’s got to be your penis.

“Just got to take care of the football. Just make great decisions, take care of the football. It’s not that hard. It’s not trigonometry.”

Super Bowl Booking Agent: Bruno, how would you like to perform at the Super Bowl this year?

A. J. Pierzynski fills up empty Capri Sun with air and passes them off as full.

It’s Hillbilly Jim and Junkyard Dog.

True to the Deadspin handle. You’re doing the Lord’s work.

Gay Bueno: Raisin Toast

Why isn’t he screaming out “money ain’t a thang?”

You didn’t know, because you were concussed.

He could just have Cushing Syndrome.

I’ll do what I want on the Internet.

Didn’t forget. Just remembered that football = traumatic brain injury.

Signs and symptoms of a concussion may include:

Irony at its finest.

That’s a fantastic handle.

This is dumb. No context.

Attention 49ers: Aldon Smith’s handicapped bathroom on the 16th floor is now open to all employees and their families.