A group of my friends were inconsolably butt-hurt when I refused to buy in to a cruise vacation with them TWO FUCKING YEARS in advance. I told them I wanted to wait because, you know, a lot of shit can happen in two years. They ended up on a boat with a listeria outbreak.

What is this strange land where a SWAT team didn’t break down the door and shoot everyone inside the apartment? And then the police made them dinner?

Would our police have shot them? So they could be SURE they were going home tonight?

Not for nothing, but in at least two other instances (Jambo, male silverback, Binti Jua, female) the gorillas in question either watched over/kept other gorillas away from children knocked into their enclosures, or actively gently carried the child to a service entrance they knew to be used by their caretakers. If the…

The New Jeep Wrangler’s Roof May Do Three Things It’s Never Done:

“That’s not how you play hide the cigar...”

Nope. His body, his choice.

But if a woman wanted to have her tubes tied with tin two days of a pregnancy scare, we'd support her! It's his body and not my place to judge.

I don’t know. Like, she knew about it, he informed her and it is his body so it seems pretty reasonable.

“Like a second shooter from the grassy assassination ring.”

“Boy, he sure put that in the baseball ring.”

THIS IS LIKE WHEN RYAN COMPARED BLAKE LIVELY TO BEYONCE. SOMEBODY GO CHECK THE WATER AT THE REYNOLDS HOUSEHOLD BECAUSE THESE FOOLS ARE TRIPPIN.

It’s like going from black and white to color in “The Wizard of Oz”.

The transition from portrait to landscape is one of the great viral moments of 2016.

Although with a million miles of wear, it might be closer to a 4.7 by now..

Considering tattoos have been around since prehistoric times, I’m not sure why you thought that was a dying fad.

I’m installing a Safe Haven Box for burritos immediately. They must be no more than 1 hour old.

Well you’re entitled to your wrong opinion.

Huh.