I hate ‘sir’. When I was younger, it felt like a silly put on. Now it feels like an unneeded reminder that I’m not as young as I once was. When I join the AARP I might be okay with ‘sir’.

That’s not at all a rational response to the situation. The vast majority of people, while selfish, oblivious and immeasurably flawed, are not to be feared simply for being a man in an elevator. She needs fucking therapy.

After being congratulated and praised by our pediatrician and dentist for, respectively, vaccinating and not feeding soda to a 14 month old, I think Plato was right. We should give them all to the state.

I’m mostly with you here, but we’ve got to quit with the idea that “being an asshole” and “having an opinion” are the same thing.

faces like Al Sharpton, Khloe Kardashian, Leah Remini, the founder of Ashley Madison, and Willie Nelson appear...

Most of the people I knew who got pregnant young were evangelicals who, once they decided to start having sex, were ill equipped to manage bc.

I’ve found that airline employees who don’t respond to patience, politeness or appeals to sympathy almost always cave when I finally lose my shit and say “you’re going to fix this right fucking now.”

It almost certainly did. Everyone on the Internet is 11 and thinks the Big Bang happened in 1996.

I remember really wanting an Action Max now. Thank god that dream never came true.

Sorry, mom.

On message like a motherfuckin’ boss.

I didn’t finish reading all of the excerpts before commenting

They do have a ton in common, what with both of them being cynical, power-hungry, phony as fuck robots who married scumbags and later worked together to defraud the Department of State.

It’s a pretty dumb piece. Gravity has two fucking characters. He didn’t even direct Argo - Ben Affleck did, and I’m sure that Clooney wasn’t busting balls in casting on his buddy’s directorial debut.

It really creeps me out that he’s talking about the president’s daughter for any old reason at all. Inappropriate, bro.

Because he got shot 90% to death 37 years ago.

All those things are good, but so was Stairway to Heaven once. Even post blowjob donuts lose their luster when every dickhole with a computer is writing trend pieces about them and your bike mechanic has one tattooed on his calf.

Marie Sharp’s is fucking leagues better than Cholula, but they’re totally different kinds of sauce from different countries, so...

Sriracha is super overrated. It is awesome in soups, especially pho-type, and it dramatically improves a McChicken. Otherwise, team Marie Sharp’s.

It’s like the judge whose pal runs a jail, except this time it’s jailer whose pal buries bodies.