I mean, just the number of times that I purely IMAGINE I left my fly down out of sheer paranoia... “Did I just feel a breeze down there?” All ducking into a corner to surreptitiously check. There’s no way this guy didnt notice.

you can point to any weapon on the planet and correctly say that it’s not an assault rifle

No one, and I mean no one, has ever made to me a coherent argument as to why some dumbfuck civilian should have the ability to own an assault rifle.

San Diego: Come for the Ka-Bars, Stay for the Gay Bars

I still remember slowly sauntering out of the theater with my dad and him saying “I don’t like that they used the s-word...”

My preschool-age child developed an interest in wolves and the first thing I did was go to the internet to buy her this shirt.

All this time I thought the original First Wives Club was about a gathering of presidential spouses.

Hmmmm, $25 plus shipping. If I pay this price, will I get my childhood back?

1983. I was hospitalized with dehydration after a bad bout of the flu. Dad brought me this Fiat, because he used to have a Fiat when he was younger (i.e. like 5 years earlier before I came along and made him have to buy a Pinto lol). On the last day of my hospital stay, it disappeared overnight. I suspect a jealous…

This happens with the tracker app I have on my phone. Sometimes I’ll ping my wife and it’ll say she’s half a mile up the road seconds before I hear her pull into the driveway.

Trilby baby
Whoa-oa-oa-a
Trilby baby
Do you think you can?
Trilby baby
Tri-il-il-il-il-by
Trilby baby

I was just speaking from one dog to another.

Just say it: while chowin’ down on a feline feast! Jeez, why is it so hard to talk about this in public in 2016? It’s like some dogscrimination here!

Death to all murderers, imo. Why just the garbage bag ones?

I saw them a little over a week ago in Annapolis. During rehearsals the day before, one of them flew right over my house. I was out in the back yard with my youngest child and she was absolutely delighted: “When they make that noise I can feel my heart beat!” Watching the Blue Angels at commissioning week every year…

He looks like Ziggy, Nick, and Sergei from The Wire all rolled into one dude.

This gave me 9/11 flashbacks.

When you are old and grey, some kid is going to ask “What’s live-streaming?”

I don’t think he’s going to blow out his best friend in the media or anything though.