“HAD A 22 CALIBER HANDGUN IN HIS PANTS POCKET WHEN IT DISCHARGED AND BLEW PENIS OFF AMPUTATED PENIS”

Did Harambe die again? Because that would be fitting.

Look, man, I’m trying to get some stars, and you’re making this very difficult for me.

This horse seems like a natural athlete, but a real student of the game. A gritty, high IQ player who’s both a physical specimen and cerebral. A hybrid, if you will.

Shadow of Mordor! And maybe Rocket League. But please don’t take my shot again. It makes me cry.

Well that’s even bleaker...

I was aware of this, and it just makes me love him more. God, he’s so boring. He’s like a historical fiction book where Germany still lost the war, just a few days later.

Dillard’s? What is he, made of money? He works at Ross.

Tim Duncan begins a second career after basketball. What is it?

BUT THEY HAVE A MALL NOW!

I work at the University of South Florida and the best sport is hands-down women’s basketball. More people go that their games than football. I didn’t recognize our starting quarterback in person, but I met our starting power forward and I was fucking amped. Also she was wearing a Porzingis jersey so I might have…

I stand by my take that Russell Westbrook is kind of a dick.

I assumed he meant during the national anthem

I preferred the ‘What are those?’ Final Jeopardy response

That man is physically gifted. A specimen. Magical powers he learned from his Grandma.

RE:RE:RE Armadillos are trash animals and also I just watched Westworld so I’m a little upset. Why Dolores? Why?

Does this count as flirting? My mom’s been hounding me since Thanksgiving.

If by ‘crumble’ you mean ‘crippling insecurities’, then yes.

You’re all over it today. Do you also work a government job and have a week off?

It... might. Look, I’m sorry, but I’ve lost too many chocolate cream donuts on too many women. If you’ll settle for a blueberry cake we might be in business.