We call them judges in this house.

New phone. Who dis?

Why you gotta be uglying up my computer?

“...and that goes double for the internet.”

People who say a person shouldn’t be exercising their constitutional right to run for president are the fucking worst. Hey Drew, how about you don’t exercise your right to bear ugly ass shirts?

No shit. It’s called negotiation. There are way more jobs in America where the starting pay is open to negotiation than people think. My wife has always been paid the same as men doing a similar job. She knows that, for the most part, your best shot at fair pay is negotiating before you accept the position. Or, in the…

I just came to make a ‘Temecula face’ joke but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

There are a good lot of songs that were designed to be huge FUCK YOUs to music industry execs.

Oh did he also spend some time with John Starks?

“Who wants to sex Mutombo, who occasionally pops off prematurely?”

Huh, just noticed the Ranger fan enjoying the fuck out of that punch.

That area needs to be a mini ice chest. Reaching across the car to grab a beer out of the ice chest on the floor in front of the passenger seat is dangerous, you know.

I have a 10-going-on-16-year-old and 12-going-on-whatEVEROMGGGG-year-old

That’s the worst part! I’ve spent the last 12 years not calling out teenagers for a lot of their annoying know-it-all bullshit because I remember being the exact same way with my dad.

Where was this copperhead when my dad - who had recently crossed the age threshold into the gives zero fucks endgame zone - strolled into a Home Depot barefoot? “What could happen?” I remember him asking when, completely mortified, I loudly and profanely objected.

Our youngest of three is 18 and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I AM SO SICK OF TEENAGERS.

That’s a pretty sweet shot at Trump.

Um, 1992, is that you?

At least be comforted by the fact that as president, he would not be able to enact any of the bullshit policies he has spewed.

George W Bush drove us into a recession on steroids. I’m not here to defend Trump. I just don’t see him being worse for America than Bush.