Has there ever been a single case of a transgender person attempting to molest a child in a restroom? I’d be more worried about my kids spending time alone with a Republican wrestling coach.

I already pay extra for leg room, now you want me to pay even more for an aisle or window? You can fuck right off with that nonsense

Every time (literally every time) I eat a fortune cookie and read the fortune, I pretend it says, “Help I’m trapped in a fortune cookie factory.” My wife and kids think I’m stupid and annoying, but they can’t fool me, I know they think it is just as hilarious as think I it is. Deep down. I’m sure of it. They think I’m…

That swim-up bar you love in the Bahamas? Giant toilet. I remember the first time I went to one, I kept losing my underwater stool every time I went to piss, but nobody else was getting up. When I realized this, I don’t know what pissed me off more, the fact that I was getting out to use a toilet like a sucker, or the…

Worse than the “wait until your phone is out to talk” is the “wait until you are almost asleep to bring up major decisions” move. If I am in a bed with my eyes closed, it is not the time to discuss mortgages, career changes, children, etc. Are you an insane person?

I'm from the south so I know how devastating it is getting the clap from cousins.

I thought they closed that place down?

My least favorite thing about Deadspin right now is the tease of a new Drew article only to see it’s an ad for a podcast I’ll never check out.

Brad, save yourself some aggravation and take with you some rain ponchos because it's a lock you'll be at one of the parks and it'll start the classic 10-minute Florida rainstorm - where everyone bolts for cover and Disney staff appear out of nowhere like a Predator shedding active camouflage to sell you $5-$10 clear…

It’s limited to 300 HP and starts in 2nd gear. The V6 Challengers make 300 as well and feel pretty fast despite their weight but they start in first gear.

Heinz Ketchup deserves to be on the list. Somebody offers offbrand nonsense or tries to upsell you on sir kensington they’re an asshole.

Robocop kills Clarence with his computer spike to the neck.

I’ve said this before and will keep saying again and again to anyone who will listen: 99% of carry-on angst will magically disappear if airlines stop charging for the first checked bag. Everyone is bringing the biggest, rolliest carryon that they can because they don’t want to pay $25 to check their bag. If you allow…

In future, DeAndre should head for the stands, Doc can turn on the Yakety Sax Benny Hill chase music.

Hate to say it...but 2022. 2020 election will be with current districts as census reapportionment won’t have happened yet.

This won’t get enough stars

Man, and that’s just for sports, concerts, and bars. Can you imagine if we entrusted barely-trained minimum-wage workers with something really important, like the security of our transportation or homeland?

I love how they kept the joke going!

Team nickname polls are how we ended up with a basketball team named after a dinosaur in the huge dinosaur movie that had just come out the year before.