Fucking with late night drive thru customers... Ahh I could teach a master’s class in it.

once upon a time i worked in the most magical place on earth on a day when our small, specific location was almost out of maps. there was a printing delay and we had 3 boxes to get through the weekend. that’s like 1500 maps which wasn’t really enough. to the point where we were contemplating scouring the building at…

*At a fried chicken place somewhere in San Antonio*

Can we address the defensive interference that is running rampant on the basepaths?

That’s...not an Easter Egg. That’s called “reusing a model in a blurry background shot to save an hour that would otherwise be wasted on something nobody would notice or care about.”

The answer is a certified pre-owned Honda Odyssey.

Actually, I think the worst is the one where the dad doesn’t even address you and just says quietly through gritted teeth “get over here” with rage in his eyes. Or, if it’s really bad, doesn’t even say anything and just stealthily strides over to you in half a heartbeat like some goddamn wraith.

my wife occasionally eats with her mouth open and lightly smacks her lips. luckily we have a 4 year old that I was able to hammer home the Chew With Your Mouth Closed lesson and he started correcting his mother. I have to pat myself on the back for that.

“Buddy” is also the highest level of dad trouble. Mom trouble tops out at the full name, including middle: “Drew Fulgensio Magary, you get in this house right now!”

As someone who adopted a Russian orphan, I say just try and come get him, Vlad.

(secretly one of my biggest fears, though, that he was the hidden love child of some notorious Russian mobster who would come to the US to find his only living heir...)

“Half anaconda and half great white”

How is Beyonce not #1 here?

One of my favorite things about Beyonce:

How is Beyonce not #1 here? How is Bruce Springsteen not #2?

Seriously. Also, Chris Brown has fans? And Beyonce should be higher up on the list, just behind Taylor Swift fans.

i hope there is some sort of outtakes track that includes the most ridiculous questions about apple products that the mics picked up.

“I’m going to die before anyone knows I’m hot.”

Taking a cue from his studio, Prince Harvey will charge 20% more for his album than other rappers even though it will have almost the exact same beats and lyrics that they do. But people will still buy it because the album cover will look fantastic.

Yeah, I was going Murica. And city-states do not count unless we can bring back Sparta styled slavery & population controls.

An interesting thing about this story is that in Fearless, Jet Li plays the murdered teacher of his character in this movie.