"you're severely underestimating a good blowjob. and if a girl doesn't swallow I will not date her. not kidding."

So, what you're saying is you missed the one from the guy who eats his own cum?

Headline: "LeBron James Signs With the Thunder."

This isn't what I come to DadPenis for.

You can tell it's in Australia because the kid spun counter clockwise.

Classic Russian ingenuity...shoot beehives at your enemy.

The sent him a letter?

Y'all so stupid. One of my best friends, WHOSE HOUSE EXPLODED, asked me to say these things so he can have responses.

I don't have a problem with houses exploding per se, but on live television? What am I supposed to tell my kids?

These claims lose veracity with every subsequent tweet! We all know he's never been 3/3 in his life.

Praying for all you guys.

The defense's case rests on Pistorius's ability to successfully portray himself as a contrite man who acted out of blind fear.

I kinda feel bad for Oscar. Since he has to lie and tell everyone this was all an accident, he can't even brag about the awesome line he said right before shooting her: "you've been on the toilet so long, you must have die-arrhea!" It'll probably make it into the movie version though.

You either need to calm the fuck down or just stop commenting.

Chairman Meow

"#CancelSueyPark"? So you're saying you'd like to...Chop Suey?

You're hilarity is so subtle